Just a regular guy
by RitsuAoi
Summary: Ryou can't make love with Bakura. This causes some serious injures in their realtionship. My real-life story...I just want someone to read it. So I won't have this stupid feeling of loneliness. I'll maybe write the rest too, if someone is interested.
1. Chapter 1

Just a regular guy

**:-:**

It was dark, and hot in the room. My breath became heavier and I responded his kisses as good as I could. His fingers travelled down from my abdomen and stroked carefully my half-hard sex. I shut my eyes and prayed that my panic attack won't come this time, and that everything could be fine. That I could finally pleasure the one I loved.

But it happened again. My body rejected the soft and tender touch from him, and I pulled myself up from my lying position.

"I-I'm sorry…'Kura. I can't do this. I'm.." I tried desperatly to explain once again and even though it was dark I could see his disapointed face.

I did it again.

"It's okay, love. Just relax, okay? I won't do anything you don't approve. Don't worry, I'll wait." He stroked my back as to comfort me.

Yes, he could wait. But for how long?

I'm suffering from panic attacks during sex. I can't make love, can't screw around like wild bunnies. I can't pleasure the one I love…

I don't even know why. I just can't bring myself to let go of everything and just enjoy the moment. I feel disgusted when I'm looking at my own body. It's disgusting…It's filthy. I hate it.

So how could I let anyone else love it?

I think that something happened to me when I was little, so I'm traumatised now. I'm not sure, though. But how could you otherwise explain my reactions?

It's not that I don't trust 'Kura. I do. There's no one I trust more… It's just that…I can't. I'm afraid of being naked, being exposed. I feel so weak and fragile.

He kissed my forehead and lied down on the bed.

"Don't worry Ry'. I love you still…Good night." I smiled a weak smile and turned around to lie down myself.

When…? When will he give up on me and leave me by myself again? It won't be long until he gets tired of waiting.

I would be by myself again. In my lonely, and depressing world.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up. Alone. 'Kura was gone and he left a note.

"Out to buy some donuts, BRB." I read out loud. At the end of the corner it was written: Forever your 'Kura. Just like always.

I couldn't resist but to laugh. A weak, and angsty laugh.

Nothing will last forever around me, someday…'Kura will leave me too.

When he came back, we ate breakfast in peace. I was staring at the ring on my left hand, 'our love rings', he called it. It felt more like a bond between us. I liked the thought that we were bound to each other. I don't worry so much when I'm looking at it.

It was a silver platinum ring, plain and simple. It took a really long time to find a ring whom fits my thin finger.

"Ryou…I was thinking..uhm…I don't know how to say this.." Bakura started and mumble. I turned my attention towards him and nodded to make him go on.

"You know…I really love you. You're really special, I've never felt like this before. You know all that. It's just…I can't stand the fact that you refuse to have sex with me. I mean…it's a part of my life. And I…It's hard for me to be without it…"

My heart freezed. I knew that the time has come.

"Ye-Yes…Go on." I replied and my fingers couldn't stop shaking.

"I'm really happy with you, and there's really nothing more I could wish from any lover…but…I just don't want to..I mean, you would be mad if I got myself a fuck buddy…"

There, he said it.

"No I wouldn't…I mean, it's my fault that I can't pleasure you as I should…so it's only normal for you to get yourself a fu-fuck buddy. I don't mind…really."

LIE! It's all a fucking lie! I would die if you made love with someone else 'Kura!

I would die!

"Oh." His face almost shone up, then he changed it quickly with a guilty expression. "I mean…so..uh, you wouldn't mind if I got myself a fuck buddy? Seriously?"

His face were just like a child's…so cute. I loved that face…But his anwser hit me right in the heart. He could have stabbed me with a knife and it would hurt less.

"… …" I nodded in reply.

He smiled and continued to eat his breakfast in peace. He blabbered on about how much he loved me, and how he knew 'I would understand'.

But my heart was already in tiny, tiny pieces…Like a puzzle, impossible to solve though.

"…Ahn..Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't be thinking so much about you. It makes it almost painful to do something like that." He half-joked.

But that sentence hit me dead on.

"It it's so fucking painful…then why don't you just dump me?? I knew this would happen! In the end…everyone just keep on leaving me. But you know what…"I pulled out the ring from my finger and throwed it on the table. "I don't need you to pity me!"

I stood up and ran as fast as I could out from this house. In my way out I mumbled:

"Farewell…'Kura."

I slammed the door and there. It was the end…

**:-:**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Just a regular guy**_

**:-:**

After I got home, I fell asleep as a dead pig on my bed. My head ached and so did my body. But none pain could compare to the one I feel in my heart.

So it finally happened… It's over between us.

Mom woke me up at six and gave me a worried look:

"You haven't been eating since you come home, Ryou. Are you sure you don't want me to fix you something before I leave?"

I shook my head and my cat jumped up on my lap. I touched its soft fur and mom shut the door.

"Bye then honey! I'll call you!"

"Bye mom." I said and put on my laptop. I felt so lonely, even though my cat is keeping me company I wanted more. I wanted some human contact…so that I would feel less disgusting.

My messenger popped up and Malik, one of my best friends, asked me:

"Hey, how are ya?"

I hesitated a moment before I wrote with shakening fingers:

"Bad. I think it's over…between me and Bakura."

Malik answered right away:

"Why? I thought you were so happy together?"

"I..uhn…I can't..you know..so he wanted…someone else and I JUST.."

My words were incoherent and so was my mind. But Malik understood our problems since he knew me so well.

"That bastard…I feel a sudden urge to teach him a lesson."

"NO! Please…don't. It's not his fault."

Then Yugi's messenger popped up:

"Hey, are you alright?"

I explained the whole story again and also Yugi accused Bakura for being a heartless bastard.

I agreed, part of me hated him for treating me like this, part of me still loved him though…¨

"Ryou, you can't just shut him out. You have to face the problem…it won't disappear just because you won't face it." Yugi said.

"I know, but right now I'm so tired…I can't, and I won't face the problem today. But I appreciate your concern. Thanx Yug. See ya."

I was so tired…so I said goodnight to them and shut the computer off.

My cat mewled and I gave it some food before I changed to my PJ's and lied down on my mother's bed. The cat crawled up to my chest and curled itself to a ball. My fingers stroked his fur softly and he purred.

I shut my eyes and tried to sleep, but my mind just wandered to Bakura… I knew that he must already found a 'fuck-buddy'; otherwise he would never bring the subject up. And I know…just exactly who that person might be.

NO. Stop it, Ryou! Don't think about that stupid bastard anymore. He is history now.

Once again, I tried to sleep, but the sheet felt like fire, burning on my skin. And the air becomes so heavy. I try to breathe but fails…

My thoughts wandered to those white, delicious pills again but I stopped myself. I promised I wouldn't…

Haha, who am I trying to fool? No one would miss me if I were gone, no one would ever think about me after a couple of years.

No one would care if I died.

I grabbed the bottle I had hidden under my bed and turned it upside down. The pills fell down on the floor and I picked it up, one by one…and just looked at them.

They were white, and round. They looked like flattened pearls.

One after one I swallowed them, totally ten pills.

I drank some water and lied down once again on my bed. My mind starts to wander in a daze.

My cat suddenly jumped on top of my stomach and I felt the urge to puke.

I ran to the bathroom and let that pill mixed with water (since I haven't had any food.) flow out from my mouth and my throat burned when the liquids finally decided to stop.

Quickly, I washed my face and stared at myself in the mirror. A pair of dark-brown orbs stared back at me. I looked miserable.

With a simple movement I flushed the toilet and undressed for a shower, avoiding the naked body in the mirror. It disgusts me.

The warm water ran over my body and I stood there, trying to scrub the dirt from my body.

I still feel so dirty, and disgusting…The ugliness won't disappear…

"…Why? Why me?" I cried and fell down on the floor. The water washed my body again and again but I still was dirty.

After two hours, I gave up and wandered out from the bathroom. Like a heavy stone, I fell asleep on the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Just a regular guy_**

**It's not my version of the story from now on. I changed it to a happy ending for your fans sake. The next chapter will be updated around christmas. It's a lemon. (See it as my christmas gift for you.) So I'm changing the T-rating to M.**

**My own relationship is still bullshit, I don't know if I can ever forgive 'Kura. But I do, love her so much that it hurts to even think about living without her. We'll see if she deserves my forgiveness...**

**Enjoy anyway! I'm also gonna add new chapters to all my stories before christmas, as a gift to you!**

**:-:**

Next day, I woke up with a heavy headache. But school was waiting and I didn't feel like dropping it today. So I stood up on shaken knees. My cellphone was shut off, I was afraid of what 'kura might text me. I was afraid of his anwser.

"Hi kitty, you're hungry?" I'm definetly getting crazy, talking to my cat. But he mewled and I gave him some food before getting dressed and before I knew it, I was on my way to school.

My heart felt like a heavy stone.

I smiled, and waved at my classmates, I faked through the day with my happy-façade. Then, after school, it was some after-school-activity. I was in the manga/anime-club, I walked in and tried my best to not act so sad. But it didn't work, I couldn't fake to people whom I really like. People who mattered to me.

They noticed that something were wrong, and I fell apart.

I explained the situation for them, and received a lot of hugs and some 'cheer up, it will be alright.'

Even Kaiba-kun hugged me gently and tried his best to make me feel better, mumbling something about: "He is not worthy you Ryou. You deserve someone better…"

I rubbed my eyes and anwsered in despair:

"What if I don't want someone better?"

It was quiet in the room. I knew that they were judging Bakura. But they didn't know him, not in that way I did.

…or, I thought I did.

Kaiba-kun followed me home and gave me another hug and kissed my neck before he went home again.

"Don't worry, Ry'. It will be alright. We're here for you." His blue eyes touched mine and for a second I almost believed him. I smiled and nodded, then I walked inside to my home.

Mom was already home, and asked me if I wanted some food. I said no and walked to my room. My math exam was coming up so I needed to study.

But I just couldn't concentrate on the math, my mind wandered to my cell phone…

I put it on, anxious about the messages waiting me.

First Message:

"Ryou, You're my everything. Don't you fucking ignore me. I won't accept that it's over. I refuse to. Whenether you realise it or not."

Second Message:

"I just tried to tell the truth, not hiding anything from you. Why are you just throwing it away? …"

Third Message:

"I'll give you a week. If you won't anwser me by then I'll take it as you don't want me in your life anymore. I love you, and I always will. I won't give up."

Tears started leaking out from my eyes…Lies. They were all lies, if he really loved me that much…How in the world could he think of someone else??

I throwed away my phone and cried alone in my bed. There were silence everywere…

I've never felt more alone.

I must've fell asleep in the middle of everyting, because when I woke up again it was dark outside.

The doorbell was ringing, so I hurried up to open the door.

…It was Bakura.

"…Hi." He said and tried to smile, just as he always would do when he saw me.

Somewhere outside the door…The song 'All I want for Christmas was ringing in my ears. Mariah Carey's angelic voice reached my heart and the lyrics sang right through my heart…

"Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas  
This is all I'm asking for  
I just want to see my baby  
Standing right outside my door  
Oh I just want you for my own  
More than you could ever know  
Make my wish come true  
Baby all I want for Christmas is...  
You"

My eyes became so wet. I could barely see his face because of the tears. My lips met his and we were one again.

I didn't realise how much my body longered for him until then. I've missed him so much.

I forgave him.

Not because he was forgivable, but because I loved him. So much that my heart couldn't bear a life without him.

**:-:**

**Yes, it is christmas time for Ryou. I love happy endings, don't you?**

**Review!**


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